Teacher asks me “What’s holding you back?”. Immediately I feel that familiar shock of surprise and recognition. It’s like he just pointed at the elephant in the room and asked “Hey what do you think about that elephant?”. Before thoughts and answers come I have to get past the ego and emotion and their shock, confusion and disappointment. An elephant wandered into the room AGAIN and AGAIN I didn’t notice? How do I keep missing giant elephants right in front of me? How blind am I?
Teacher and I met a few days ago. He said he had something to share with me, and I knew I needed help understanding and dealing with my current situation. I couldn’t form a coherent question about the issue, or even explain it clearly, but I knew it was time for the answer.
So I met with Teacher. We walked, sat under a tree, and talked for hours. Conversation meandered around, and he drops helpful clues and insights gradually here and there. I know we’re gradually moving around and warming up to the main lesson. But then it comes so suddenly, with the question above: “What’s holding you back?”
The mind started its usual actions just after my time with Teacher:
- Am I being held back?
- Held back from what?
- Is it time to move forward?
- What IS holding me back, anyway?
- My identification as a Sadhguru devotee?
- My reluctance to proclaim my own truth?
- My mistrust of some other spiritual paths?
- Am I acting too much as a follower instead of a leader?
Like this the mind kept spinning stories and question after question. 1 and 3 above were easy to answer. Of course I’m being held back and it’s time to move forward — this is true for almost all of us.
But question 4 was harder. I consulted another teacher, whose insight can be invaluable in confusing situations like this. They both had the same 2 main insights for me:
- Let Things be as they Are
- Let Go,
- so that you can be moved forward (from Teacher 1)
- so that you are more free to act and express yourself (from Teacher 2)
At the end of this day I feel I’ve been graced with all the wisdom and voice of Truth I could ever wish for. Yet I was still confused. OK, all this sounds wonderful, but what do I do with it?
As Teacher repeatedly has instructed me, I just ask that question, sincerely, intensely, silently, calmly. Just ask, and wait for the answer. This has been difficult for me in the past, but I ask.
Nothing, no answer.
The next day I was doing household chores, when a Sadhguru video popped up in front of me. My humblest apologies to Guru and all who produce the content, but I do not regularly watch his videos.
The video was the answer to the question from the day before, “What do I do with this?”. It spoke so clearly to me and shocked me on all 4 levels of my bodies, physical, mind, emotions, energies.
I suddenly realized I’ve been preparing for this for years. My household is in order, family is well and stable, finances are sorted out, ready to quit or leave my salary job, I’ve been through a cycle of tamas / laziness and am again fired up with commitment. I have an ever-deepening relationship with the ancient Vedic teachings, and an unshakeable certainty in their correctness and completeness. The nature of reality that I perceive, the voice that comes through me, it all aligns. Physical health and fitness have always been a foundation for my life experience. Wherever I look the patterns point in this direction.
10 minutes after seeing this video, when the tears had cleared and I was again calm, it was obvious. Time to return to India. Time to immerse myself fully, learn more, and saturate with the wisdom of classical yoga. I shouldn’t have stopped after completing the Samyama program, there is so much more.
It was like I didn’t even have to make a decision, it’s just obvious and right there in front of me. As obvious as that elephant I hadn’t seen before. Dropping everything and going to India for 6 months — sure, why not? What’s holding me back?
All the questions we have, all the doubts, there are answers for all. The answers are not always obvious, The correct questions are not always obvious. But we have to ask.
And when the answer comes, we have to listen.
Edit: It’s 3 weeks later now, and I’ve just received notice that I can’t attend this year’s Hatha Yoga Teacher Training, too late in applying. Instead of being a disappointment I’m full of hope and enthusiasm and intensity. A year to prepare! Wonderful! I’ll be so so ready by next year!
The intensity and commitment to my daily practices is at a very high level, higher than it’s been in years. Hatha yoga practices are a higher priority and happen daily. Kriya yoga practices are regular and intense. The resulting energy levels are very high. Rajas is so high I’ve almost worried about it. But clearly this is a better way of living for me. I’ll use this intensity and energy to better accomplish what I do with this life.